I went in to the instacare to get some blood drawn for my yearly lab work. For some reason, (possibly because I hadn't eaten in 12 hours) I just wanted to cry. I'm not looking forward to all of this the rest of my life. I just feel so fragile sitting in a room full of people who all have something wrong with them. Diabetes is scary. You would think that if a person is scared of complications due to poorly managed health issues, he or she would try extra hard to manage everything efficiently. This is not true. When I'm feeling especially scared, my diabetes management goes out the door. It's a tragic cycle. I get scared, but living with fear is hard on a person, so then I try to just...forget about all of it, not worry, be happy. But when I just "forget all about it" I end up testing my blood sugar two times a day, instead of the usual 8, I pile up my plate of food and estimate my bolus instead of measuring out portions, injecting my insulin and then waiting 15 minutes, I snack on candy and randomly bolus to hopefully cover whatever it is I've eaten over the last two hours, and whatever I might possible eat in the next two. And then I check my blood sugar and get that lovely dose of reality that scares me out of my wits all over again.
The good news is that I want to be better, and I am very determined to face up to my fears. Faith and fear cannot exist in the same place, so from now on, I want to have faith that if I keep my blood sugar under control, I will have minimal complications in the future. This feels much more empowering than saying I'm scared that if I don't keep my blood sugar under control, I'll have complications in the future.
Faith not fear. I won't let my fears take away my control.
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